march, closer to the lion's end of the scale than the lamb's. the words come over my headphones for what may very well be the three- hundredth time: "some of them smile and it's phony...some of them smile and it's not." mostly, these days, the former seems to be true. it's hard to reconcile yourself to living for the future, to living for organic farming in ireland this summer and massage therapy school in the fall. it's hard to reconcile yourself to working 44-hour weeks to dig yourself out of debt when there's nothing but books to look forward to at the end of the day. still, i persist. books are enough...books are fine substitutes for friends when the latter can't be found on one's home turf. "watch the ship hold to its course like an act of devotion...and me, i'm lost at sea, going through the motions." goddamn american music club for always hitting the nail on the head.